Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…Psalm 23:4 (NKJV)

Psychologists and counselors typically define the depth and darkness of despair in one solitary word: loss. When we walk through the depth of darkness—the loss of a loved one or a relationship, the loss of a home, the loss of health, the loss of a job or ministry, the loss of financial security, the loss of a dream—something inside of us IS going to die. That inner death will either be our faith, where we give up on God, or our self-reliance, where we give in to God.

I was there this past summer, in the midst of deep, dark loss without a pinhole of light. A couple of years ago, reconstructive knee surgery forced me to give up a ministry position I loved, and in the process, not only did I suffer the pain of surgery, giving up my favorite sport (softball), and losing my ministry position, but for the next two years I trudged through the loss of my church, many friendships, and finances. Physical, mental, emotional, financial, spiritual – all areas of my life had been touched. Then I had a glimmer of restoration this summer. A ministry position became available for which I felt God had gifted me, and it was one I had great passion for. I applied for the position but did not get the job. For several weeks after this loss, I came within one inch (or less!) of tossing God out the window—angrily asking Him if He were real and telling Him that, if this faith stuff held any truth, then He had better show Himself.

Whenever you are in the deadly darkness, know that God will not let you go.

David, the man after God’s own heart, had been where I was. In the early part of his reign as king of Judah, after spending years in the desert being hunted by Saul and running for his life, David was still fighting battles on every side. Struggling with God’s promise that he would be king of ALL Israel even though the battles continued, David wrote “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” using a word meaning deadly darkness to describe the shadow of death. Faced with the question of whether he was about to lose God’s promise (which God gave to David around the age of 12 through the prophet Samuel), David knew he had a choice to make—either his faith was going to die or his self-reliance was.

The hope for us is that David stayed the course. In the midst of the struggle, he poured out his heart to God. He told God that he felt like he was walking through what might be described as hell (v. 4). He also made a written list of God’s promises (vv. 1-3, 5-6) and realized that his hellish circumstances were hemmed in by those promises.

But most important, David stayed the course because God would not let him go, and he knew he had to rely on God to get him through this. It was God who gave David that list of promises; it was God who lovingly allowed David to pour out his feelings because God knew He was big enough to handle it. It was God who opened David’s eyes with a glimpse of His eternal embrace when He led David to write “I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

During those weeks after my summer loss, I couldn’t pray; I couldn’t even believe. But God would not let me go. He had friends and family praying and believing for me. He showed me a glimpse of other things He had planned for me. Months later, it is by His grace and His grace alone that I am staying the course, even though some days I still just barely hang on in the midst of battles on every side.

Wherever you are in the deadly darkness, know that God will not let you go—especially when you can’t see a pinhole of light.